I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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