Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
