"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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