Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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