there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
