"it" just moved
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
