I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
