i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
