Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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