That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
