High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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