I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
