what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
