I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
