Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
