I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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