The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Randomize
