I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
