I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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