i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
