He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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