my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
