Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
