only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Two words: blizzard sex
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm too high and old for this...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
