Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize