awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
