just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
