cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
