I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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