We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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