Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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