Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
