I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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