She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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