I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
