Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
