so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
