i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
meet me or not, i'm out of control
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
