he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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