What a fucking waste of an outfit
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
