dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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