i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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