i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
