I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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