You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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