I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
