i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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