She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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