I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You took a bar mat shot.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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