I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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