I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
