i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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