Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
