Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
