Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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