Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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