Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
