Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
