Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
